It’s hard to be stimulated when you can’t find anything stimulating. It’s seems like everywhere you look things are lacking substance, stability, god damn ingenuity. When is the last time you heard about an invention for some kind of rocket ship that’s powered by dirty diapers? Never! Because society has lost its inventiveness, or at least I have, and that counts for at least 0.73% of inventions by people who actually have a clue. I’m beginning to rant. I’m just frustrated that since I began my Intellectual Hiatus there hasn’t been a single technological advancement, that I can think of. Sure, they fired up the Large Hadron Collider, but that was invented years before I began my Cerebral Spring Break, and has yet to show us anything we can rub in the noses of Big Religion. That, hopefully, is about to change. I have invented “The Invention Machine”. Now at first glance The Invention Machine doesn’t look like much. It doesn’t look like something that could take the most boredinary mind and make it extraboredinary. It doesn’t look like the kind of thing that could turn scrambled eggs into a Western Omelete. What it does look like, is a four foot by four foot chunk of yellow shag carpet.
You might ask yourself, what the hell does yellow shag have to do with omelettes, intellect, and ingenosity? I’ll tell you. Have you heard of Ben Franklin? Did you know his eyesight was so bad that he had to invent eyeglasses just to be able to reach his laudanum? That man was an addict.
When I step on The Invention Machine it’s like stepping on a small expanse of live sheep’s back in wool socks, because for reasons that will soon become clear, standing upon The Invention Machine works best in wool socks.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret. The Invention Machine is not the ShamWow. You don’t have to give your credit card number to some crackhead who talks a good game but has obviously never done a hard day’s work in his life unless you count sitting on the toilet all day at truck stops waiting for somebody to nudge his foot from the next stall. The Invention Machine can be made from simple household items. Here’s how:
First, find some shag carpet. Next, cut out a four foot by four foot chunk. If you’re too young to use a knife, you shouldn’t be reading this.
Double next, take the chunk of carpet and lay it down on a hard surface, preferably not carpet. Stand on the carpet chunk. Very important; you must be dry from head to toe. Do not try to use it straight out of the shower. You may think this constitutes a fresh perspective, but really you just look like an idiot, standing naked on a patch of puke coloured carpet.
Second, wear wool socks. The variety doesn’t matter. Pretentious Mountain Equipment Co-op wannabe’s will tell you that Merino Wool is the only wool, but don’t let’s be silly. Before Al Gore invented the wind, oil was the only power that held any sway, and we all know that day has come and….. well never mind.
Shuffle your feet. Shuffle your feet in place like you’re in the Speed Walking event at the Olympics, except you’re doing it faster than an Actual Walking pace, and it’s not a pathetic excuse for somebody who skipped gym class in high school to be an athlete for a day.
Once you’ve been shuffling long enough that your feet feel like two fleshy lightning bolts, stop. Raise your hands, and simultaneously place the tips of your index fingers against your temples. If executed properly you should be incapable of reading further.
Now that you’re awake you should drink some fluids. Electrocution can be draining. You also probably shat yourself. Pull yourself together!
Now, before you lose sight of the point of this exercise, try to think of something. Think of anything, but bear in mind that the more outlandish the idea you try to think of, the more inventive the idea you may…think of…
I am going to zap myself.
So anyway, here are some starter ideas for the beginner. See if you can zap yourself into expanding on these static brainstorms:
1) Some kind of mind enhancement device.
2) A unicorn with plates like a stegosaurus.
3) A couch that is so comfortable you never have to leave it, to work, or to piss.
4) A way to piss on your couch without consequence.
5) A tent with a TV/Satellite dish built into one side so that you can watch Setanta Sports in the morning. Also, some way to wake up to hot sausages while camping. Gay or otherwise.
To conclude, drink rum. It’s a great way to end up writing a rambling piece in the middle of the night about inventing ways to invent shit. Then put that crap on the internet, because if Stephen Colbert ever reads it you might become famous.
