Pedal Across America

I have this idea where I’ll take a stationary bike and fasten it down in the back of a pickup truck. I’ll get my buddy to drive me around while I pretend to ride. Then I’ll start a pledge drive to raise money for a charity like Breast Cancer Research, AIDS in Africa, or Mothers Against Drunk Riding. I’ll call it “Pedal Across America.” I’ll claim to be pedaling my bike across the continent to raise money for my cause. I could probably get U2 to ride in a truck behind me playing music, if I chose the AIDS one. It'll be a windfall. People love to pay money so other people will inflict pain and hardship upon themselves to help some other people who are less fortunate than themselves. I’ll make a promotional video showing myself training for the ride on a stationary bike. The very same stationary bike I’ll ride across America!! Nobody will actually think it’s the real bike, and if there’s ever a backlash I can say, “Look, I showed you the bike.” I can’t imagine there will be any backlash though. I think people will feel like they’ve been had, but in a good way. At the end of the day all the money will still be going to charity, except for the gas money, a little food money, and a small entertainment budget. After that all the money will be going to charity. I think when people look back on it they’ll laugh. They’ll see an ordinary guy doing something extraordinarily not very extraordinary for a good cause and know they helped. It could turn out to be one the greatest events of all time, after the original Woodstock, and just before Super Bowl III where an unproven Joe Namath guaranteed victory and led the New York Jets past the heavily favoured Baltimore Colts in a thriller. It could really put my name on the map. I’d be a celebrity, going on talk shows and doing cameos. I’d probably get a spot on David Letterman where I’d drag race a funny car down Broadway on my stationary bike. After the charity drive of course I’d keep any residuals, buy a place in Beverly Hills, and become an actor like that guy from Doogie Howser who doesn’t really do anything but seems to pop up every once in a while. He must still go to sweet Hollywood parties. I’ll write screenplays and ambush actors and directors in their favorite eateries. One day maybe I’ll convince the Farrelly brothers to produce my movie about a guy who goes to space bringing nothing but a spacesuit with an amp for a jet pack, a guitar, and a case of frozen burritos. It’s called, “Astro Boy Jimmy Page and the Guitar that Saved the World.” It’s about a guy who’s fed up with a world full of sorrow, so he leaves everything behind to travel the universe in search of a place where he can sit in peace, play guitar, and enjoy a beef and bean burrito. He finds love and discovers that the planet Earth is doomed to extinction due to a deadly virus, and only he can save it. He does nothing and let’s everybody die, then goes back and vanquishes the evil virus and begins humanity anew. In a strange twist, none of the animals are killed and he befriends them relying solely on the sultry tones of his electric guitar. New mankind flourishes, instilled with a love for nature, peace, and really good Mexican food. Later, content that he has set humankind on the right path, Jimmy Page decides to leave again and spend his last years in space. He says goodbye to Earth and rockets toward the stars upon his magic guitar, letting it wail, F sharp, the note of space love. Fade to black. Any self respecting Hollywood mogul would be a fool to refuse a script like this one. It will be my ticket to true acceptance in the movie world. Hot, high profile actresses will throw themselves at my feet begging me to teach them how to make space love, but I will throw them out, because they’re the same bitches who laughed at me when I was trying to pick up chicks on my stationary bike.