A Royal Feast

Alright, I know what you’ve all been thinking; “I bet all that Runaway Typewriter has been doing is sitting around eating chimichangas and watching Daily Show re-runs.” Well you my friends, are wrong. You’re even wrong if you’ve been thinking, “I bet he’s been slacking, lying on the couch for at least 4 hours every night, letting the dishes pile up, and eating bags of chips, while a bushel of apples rots on top of his fridge.” And those of you who thought all I’ve been doing is eating family packs of meat and watching Avril Lavigne videos while I play with myself… well you’re actually not that far off. But I have not been totally unproductive in my literary hiatus. My experimentations with food have transcended the dairy section of the Nutrition Pyramid. The latest concoction mixes meat with sweet in a puddle of grease. It’s the dessert breakfast for dinner. Akin to most of my ideas, I’m not sure exactly where this one came from. Like the Minotaur, my best ideas often come charging from deep within the catacombs of my ethereal mind, tearing convention limb from limb. On the menu tonight:

Chocolate Eggs

Ingredients:

- One loaf of Honey Oat bread

- Spicy chorizo (that’s a six pack of sausages, for those of you who don’t speak Spanish)

- One dozen Jumbo Free Run eggs

- One 9.5 litre jug of glacier water

- One tin of powdered Gatorade

And the most important ingredient:

- One Hershey Milk Chocolate bar (no nuts, just pure milk chocolate)

Preparation:

-Cook chorizo in butter, on low heat so all the grease doesn’t splash about your kitchen. You’re going to need that grease.

-The chorizo will take some time, so while you wait, grate the chocolate. A standard cheese grater will do just fine. Make sure you grate a lot, like a whole bowl, because you’re going to pick at it. Trust me.

- When the chorizo is done (make sure it’s done. I’ve seen the way chorizo is just left out on a table in the sun in markets. It’s E-coli in fly fodder format), put them in the oven (again on low heat) to keep them warm while you…

-Cook the eggs in all that grease (this is a fried egg recipe. Scrambled eggs are for cooks with two left hands. Left handed people need not read on). Really let the egg whites crackle in there, but flip them quite early, because the other side needs to cook long enough to…

- Melt the chocolate all over the eggs. Melt it all over. Sprinkle so much chocolate on the eggs that it looks like you’re deep frying doody. This is important, because you’re going to want enough chocolate on the eggs to dip the chorizo in it. The spicy and the sweet waging war on your taste buds really ties the meal together.

- Now, just as you’re ready to take the eggs off the pan, before they’re over-cooked, remember that you never put any bread in the toaster. Panic. Pick the pan up off the element to stop the eggs from cooking, burn your hand, and slam it back down. Grab a wet dish towel and push it onto a cool element.

- Get some bread in the friggin toaster!!

- Pace around the kitchen cursing at the bread to toast faster.

- Butter the toast. Be sure to use enough butter that it won’t all soak in. There should be a wet sheen of butter on top of the toast, like an oil slick near a nature preserve.

- Angrily scoop your eggs onto the toast. Notice that the yolks are hard. Curse again.

- Scoop the chorizo on top. Do this all recklessly. An aesthetic breakfast is a mess, like my table desk. There should be oil splashed all around the outside of your plate, like fruit sauce on a French dessert.

- Find your biggest juice jug and fill it with Gatorade, mixed to taste. Drink from the jug. That’s fewer dishes to leave on the counter.

Now sit down and enjoy your dinner. If your heart hurts at any point, as if trying to say that you should eat a fruit or vegetable, it’s ok to grab a handful of raisins from the bag of trail mix on your table desk. A small handful. You’re going to need room for the rest of that chorizo.

If you’ve followed these directions carefully you’ve had yourself a hell of a meal. Lay down, put your feet up, and try not to think too much. All the grease in your system is going to make it difficult to grasp any complex concepts for a while. Just veg right out, watch a Daily Show re-run, or if you’re feeling ambitious, look up some Avril Lavigne videos on the internet. You deserve it.