Why Cheating is Like Murder

(Disclaimer: This is all written from a male point of view because I just happen to be male. Ladies, it works both ways.)


At first glance it might seem like I am adamantly against cheating, and at first glance I am, but if you look a little closer you’ll find that there are different degrees of cheating, and sometimes fault is not as clear as one would think. I intend to explore the various degrees and discuss them in a relevant fashion.

1st degree cheating is the premeditated cheating. This is when you’re sneaking around, telling your girl you’re going golfing or out with the guys when you’re actually meeting a piece of tail at the lake for some forest fun. This is clearly the most audacious of the cheats. It’s cold, callous, and calculated. If you are caught there is no defense. Pleading guilty and throwing yourself at the mercy of the courts is your best bet.
Punishment for 1st degree cheating is often lifetime termination of the relationship and a Level 4 Timeout, though some guys seem to repeatedly get away with it. It’s not clear whether this is because they’re so charming, or because the judicial system is terribly flawed.

2nd degree cheating is a conscious choice, but unlike 1st degree, it’s a spontaneous cheat. In this case the guilty party doesn’t plan the cheat, but events conspire to force them into a poor decision at a weak moment. Because of its impulsive nature it can be slightly more difficult to prove Mens Rea (Guilty Mind), for as the great Sir Edward Coke said, “Actus non facit reum nisi mens sit rea.” (An act does not make a person guilty unless (their) mind is also guilty). To show you how this might work let’s say you find yourself at a pool party, you’ve had a few drinks, and the cute girl across the hot tub is flirting with you. You flirt back, just to be friendly, but it quickly escalates beyond your control. Maybe you find yourselves on the back deck, innocently discussing Nietzsche, when you notice how the moonlight twinkles in her eyes, and before you know it you’re screwing on a deck chair with a beach towel for privacy. If you get caught committing a 2nd degree cheat you’re definitely in trouble, but it can be easier to talk your way out of.
Punishment for 2nd degree cheating can be substantially less than for 1st degree. It is forgiven far more often, because of its spur-of-the-moment nature, but don’t count on leniency, as there are at least as many cases of harsh punishment. Someone guilty of 2nd degree cheating could find themselves anywhere on the Timeout Level System depending on the severity of the cheat and/or who it was with.

3rd degree cheating is the Manslaughter of cheating, and can be broken down into two groups, Voluntary, and Involuntary. Voluntary 3rd degree is an intentional cheat, though it occurs in a circumstance where any reasonable person may lose self control. An example of Voluntary 3rd degree would be if the cute girl across the hot tub in my previous example were Jessica Simpson dressed as Daisy Duke. Nobody in their right mind could resist.
Involuntary 3rd degree is the Negligence side of said degree. This would come about if the allegedly guilty party were too drunk or stoned to make a rational decision. There is still fault, but the fault is only in that the perpetrator engaged in other, normally acceptable activities to such an extent that their judgment was clearly not in play. Waking up with a bra in your pocket and not knowing from whence it came would be an example of 3rd degree cheating, as would waking up with a girl in your bed and not knowing her name. It’s harder to prove innocence in these cases though, because it’s simply your word that you were too inebriated to make decisions. Perhaps if you were so drunk at the pool party that you kept putting your dick in a hot dog bun, you might be able to find a few witnesses to corroborate your story.


(Disclaimer 2: The preceding exploratory essay was not an endorsement of amoral, deceitful, or despicable behaviour. It was merely an explanation of the subtle nuances of the Cheating Table. The bottom line in cheating is that it is wrong. It might feel good at first, but ultimately it will only cause heartache and tears, and nobody likes tears. I for one, would never cheat on my precious little Chimpit.)