Once Upon A Time In Mexico

Puerto Vallarta can be a scary town if you find yourself in the wrong place, doing the wrong things. For instance, hanging out with ex-cons is a good way to find trouble, especially if you’re up to your eyeballs in Ecstasy and don’t know who is related to whom. Gary, the guy I was traveling with, was eating pill tacos one night, picked a girl up at a party, and slept with her in my van. She turned out to be the little sister of Hector, a guy we’d met recently at the stand Gary was getting those tacos. Hector is a psycho. Apparently he has killed a few people, and after the night that followed I believe it. He thought his sister was a virgin before Gary too, which didn't seem to help matters. A couple of nights after the van shagging we were drinking at Ramiro’s when Hector came charging in, screaming in Spanish. He saw Gary and went right over the table at him, hitting him full in the face with a haymaker. Gary’s chair flew out from under him and he ended up right on his back, but before Hector could take advantage a few of us grabbed him. Of course when he saw I was helping hold him back, he aimed his wrath in my direction. I still have a scar down my neck from his fingernails. He was screaming, “I’ll kill you fucking gringos!” and trying to fight off four guys who were holding him back. We decided to get the hell out of there and were heading out the door when he broke away and ran into another room. Jose yelled out, “Fucking run cabarons!” and we did. Just as we got in the van Hector came barrelling out of the house with a handgun. I flashed it up and as we tore out of there the psycho started shooting. Two bullets tore right through the side of my van. We decided then and there to leave Puerto Vallarta so we drove as fast as we could to Eduardo’s, got as much of our stuff as we could find in a hurry (Gary stole a bunch of peyote), and we hit the road. I have never been that scared in my life. I should have killed Gary for almost getting me killed. And my poor van! But guess what, after we stopped we were checking out the bullet holes and we found a bullet! It went through one wall and buried itself in a cross member on the other side. I dug it out and made a necklace with it, and Gary got gonorrhea, so in the end everybody got what they deserved.