Army of Larkness

I bought a huge pot. It’s the kind they use in the military to feed all their soldiers. I could make enough jambalaya to feed an army. That’s the plan. I’m going to start an army. I don’t know yet why or what for, but an army is something I desperately need. What if I had thousands of highly trained men at my disposal?

“Go get me the paper! Make me a burrito! Fart in that man’s dinner!”
“Sir, yes Sir!”

Life would be easy. If I was unhappy at work I could just send in the troops.

“Sir, General Huntley would like it known that he is unhappy with his current wage, and if this is not alleviated immediately he will be forced to look the other way while your home is invaded and you are beaten with a mace.”

If I wasn’t getting the respect I deserve I could order my enemies to be administered The Death of a Thousand Cuts, and nobody could stop me.

I wouldn’t pay taxes, late fees, or attention. I wouldn’t give a damn. Really though, I wouldn’t be a despot. I might use my army for good, like for fighting pollution, cancer, or Brendan Fraser movies. I would not be afraid to go to war for the latter. If anybody deserved The Death of a Thousand Cuts it’s Brendan Fraser. George of the Jungle? Honestly. Even without my army, if I ever saw that guy, I would spit in his eye. I would probably put an end to all reality TV while I’m at it. All past Survivor cast members would be subjected to genitalia torture, except that first guy who won. I think he was into that. I’m starting to sound tyrannical again. That’s not really what I would be like. I’d be kind, approachable, like a mafia don on the day of his daughter’s wedding, but I wouldn’t be handing out favours. You want a free ride, get your own army. Mine’s busy sneaking a Mexican kitchen staff across the border. I realize to be able to attract soldiers to my cause I actually have to have a cause, so my first order of business is to think of something that will appeal to smart, strong, easily brainwashed men and women. Oh, and no fatties. I’d like to say my cause is to bring down the government and run this country the way it should be run, but that sounds too….insurgent. Plus, I’ve been likened to Adolf Hitler in the midst of my political rants. Oh not because I want to burn people alive or gas them to death, far from it. It’s because I’m so charismatic. And violently opinionated. A guy like me needs an army. An army like mine would make a difference. Of course in the beginning there would be hardship. There would be nay-sayers, disbelievers, prisoners, condemned, but it wouldn’t last. Eventually, due to my army’s control over the media, I would be heard around the world, and all would back me or perish. Well not perish in a physical sense, but be drowned out by the overwhelming support for my cause to build a utopian society free of control in which I am master and commander. That sucks, too Russell Crowe…my cause to build a utopian society free of control in which I am overlord. That’s better. It’s more…Ming Dynasty. I think I’ve gotten off track again. I hope I’m not scaring any potential freedom fighters away by my maniacal tangents. I’m not really a lunatic with wild and whimsical ideas. I’m more grounded than that. I’m down to earth. I believe in peace, and love, and the eradication of STD’s so that we may become as we were meant be, perilously promiscuous. My army will have scientists, with all the funding they need, searching for the cures for debilitating sicknesses and diseases, like AIDS, polio, and crab lice. It will fight for the little guy by killing the heads of major corporations who condone slave labour, rain forest destruction, and the use of sub-standard meats in frozen burritos. Every channel will be a soccer channel, except the Comedy Network. It will be used to broadcast the brutal executions of said corporate devils in hilarious ways. There will also be a channel called The Disgruntled Dictator Network. It will broadcast all sorts of rebellious content denouncing my reign, but it will be a two way channel so that I can see who watches it. Those people will quickly be seen on the Comedy Network. My army will have a Zen division, and in every community they will build a giant garden with bonsai trees, ponds stocked with koi, and sake, all the sake you can drink, and opium. My army will put a stop to evil drugs like meth, heroin, and paxil, while taking over the marijuana, ecstasy, and magic mushroom markets. It will guarantee the safe use of the right kind of drugs, and hilarious death for the users of any others. In short, it will be an army of larkness. Its mission will be to take this lifeless society and interject merriment, and social drinking to the benefit of all, but mostly me, because it was my idea.