Tandem Apparati

The reason I don’t like tandem bikes or kayaks, or any other tandem style sporting apparati, is that they are conceptually fallacious. On the surface they seem cute and romantic, but it’s a farce. At first glance you might think, “That’s nice, they’re working together as a team to achieve a common goal” but what you don’t see are the furrowed brows or the rolling eyes. You don’t hear the grumbling and insults under the breath when one person is going too slow or fast, or left or right. No, tandem sporting apparati can be disastrous for a relationship, and I seriously question the validity of their show of promoting teamwork. I submit that couples who ride their own bikes, or paddle their own boats, are actually working together more efficiently than tandem users. On tandem apparati, only one person steers. One person determines the direction in which you travel, while the other, like a solitary lemming, is forced to follow. Where is the teamwork in that?

You might argue that when dancing one person often leads, and what is more romantic than a rumba? I say that’s different. When dancing you are often facing one another, holding hands, there is an intimacy that staring at the back of somebody’s head while they splash you with water is lacking. What about spooning, you might ask. Spooning is back to front, spooning is intimate, and one person stares at the back of the other’s head, if they can’t sleep. I say that too is different. When you’re riding a bike behind somebody you can’t feel their heart beating against your chest. You can’t feel the goose bumps rise when you kiss them gently on the back of their neck. On a tandem apparatus you are in close proximity, but you are kept apart, but you are kept in close proximity. There is no intimacy, and no freedom. It’s the worst kind of relationship.

A good relationship needs a healthy dose of teamwork, but it also needs equal parts individuality. Everybody needs to feel like they can branch out. They need to feel like they can get away for a while, if they need to. If I’m riding bikes with somebody I want to be able to veer off and hit a jump, or a mailbox, and come back to their side, hopefully laughing, hopefully not bleeding. I want to be able to paddle away, chase a seagull, or get a closer look at a dead fish, and not feel bound by the confines of a sleek fiberglass prison. I need to feel free with somebody.

Doing things together with the freedom of optional divergence is definitely the way to go. Tandem bikes can be the death of an already lifeless relationship, where matching bikes can breathe new life into it. Just don’t get matching jackets. That’s the lamest shit ever.