Timeout

Recently I was forced to put somebody on Level 1 Timeout, but to my dismay she did not know what that is. I actually had to explain the nuances of the Timeout Level System. I decided then and there to explain the different levels of Timeout, in blog format, so that it does not happen again.

Level 1 Timeout – If you are put on Level 1 Timeout you are essentially on notice. It’s the Probation of the Timeout System. It’s much like the yellow card in soccer. Level 1 Timeout means you’re ok for now, but I have my eye on you, so watch your ass. Commit one more offence, however petty, and you’ll immediately find yourself on…

Level 2 Timeout – On Level 2 Timeout you are still allowed to talk to me, but I am definitely mad at you, so watch what you say. An example of something you could do to find yourself on Level 2 (ladies) is to tell your mother, whom I just met, about me pooing my pants today (the real perpetrator of this offence actually only found herself on Level 1, but that is only because I cannot stay mad at her). Something else I should mention is that things can escalate quickly on Level 2. The difference between Level 2 and Level 3 is actually closer to half a level. Be on your best behaviour or it could be a one way ticket to…

Level 3 Timeout – There is no talking on Level 3 Timeout. There is no contact. On Level 3 you are sitting in the proverbial corner. You do not speak until spoken to, and I decide when that is. Forcing the issue can be a slippery slope toward…

Level 4 Timeout – This is only implemented in severe cases. Level 4 Timeout is not so much a timeout as it is a severing of ties. In rare cases it has been reversed, but this takes a long time, a lot of pleading, expensive gifts, and offers of massages which must be produced immediately if you’re given a chance (the ending of said massages being lady’s choice).

I hope this guide to the Timeout Level System has been helpful, and I hope now I’ll never have to explain myself again. It takes a lot of the sting out of placing somebody on Timeout when you have to explain Timeout to them before they can fully understand just where they have been placed, especially when that somebody is a beautiful girl with tiny skull like a baby chimp's.