Híppos Mélas

I have a shiny new bike. It’s a metallic gold (not brown!) two-wheeled mayhem machine powered by Fury. When I ride the world stops, or at least it seems stopped as I race past, bending the space-time continuum, my legs pumping like Thumper jacking off on Methamphetamine. Hold on to your toupees. At that speed if you hit something you won’t even slow down, like a katana slicing neatly through a man’s jugular. At that speed a helmet is only a hindrance, catching the wind as it whips past and pulling you back like a parachute attached to your head. I prefer to go au naturel, only wearing a headband to keep my mane in check. Helmets are no good to immortals anyway. If somehow I do hit something able to withstand my skull smashing into it with the force of a comet plowing into a small moon, I do have a contingency plan. Any subsequent coma would be short lived, as I’m confident that my considerable experience with insomnia would pull me through. I’ll just say I was finally taking a nap, could somebody put some water on?

I don’t have all the necessary accessories for my new bike yet; banana seat, streamers, onkly donk spoke thingies, or a wicker basket to hold my chips, but I do have a pack of laminated trading cards and a handful of clothes pegs. Tomorrow morning it will sound like the Devil himself is riding forth from the pits of Hell on a heaving chopper made from the flesh and bones of the Damned. This is no supernal bike. It’s the incarnation of Hades’s Hounds, in bicycle format. Tomorrow morning I will ride again like a Tempest, whipping up the winds in a cyclonic frenzy. Those in my path will think me one of the Horsemen, come to wreak God’s vengeance on those who have Mortally Sinned. All shall repent with the sound of my malevolent laughter ringing in their ears.

I don’t have any pictures of my new bike yet, nor do I have a name that befits a vessel of such Fury, but soon I shall. Soon it will be christened with human blood, and decaled like a stock car sponsored by the Underworld. Soon its name will thunder through the Heavens, and Angels will weep and tremble with fear.

Rejected thus far:

The Gold Rush
Khimaira
The Chariot (in which case I would play the part of Helios)