I Figured It Out

I think I finally figured out insomnia. It’s so easy! Ok, this is how it used to be for me. I hardly slept. I wouldn’t sleep all night, at least until the wee hours, usually three or so. Then when I finally did fall asleep I’d be too tired to get up in the morning so I would sleep in. I’d drag myself out of bed at noon, or 1, because I always feel like I have to accomplish something to feel good about myself, but I would feel terrible so I’d drink two or three coffees to wake myself up. I’d eat something, sometimes, and then mess around on the computer until I felt up to doing something. Sitting around makes me tired so I would go into town for a double cappuccino, but by then it’s like 4 or 5 o’ clock so there wouldn’t be any point in doing yard work, or any work, so when I got home I’d jump back on the computer to maybe write something and try to kill the evening so I could go to bed at a decent hour and try to sleep. But I don’t sleep! I’m awake until the wee hours…usually three or so…

That is all in the past. I’ve been thinking a lot about insomnia, with my fresh perspective, and this is what I came up with. I have never been a very good sleeper, but the real bad insomnia only started a couple of years ago…give or take. I’m pretty sure it was brought on by depression and anxiety. But now that I am climbing out of the valley of depression to the hilltop of warmth and self assurance, I should be able to sleep, no? No. But it’s different. I think now I don’t sleep because of the anxiety caused by insomnia. I believe I won’t sleep so I don’t sleep. I manifest insomnia on myself. But that is no longer! Last night at about 1:30 I thought, “I’m about ready to get some sleep.” It wasn’t a conscious thing, it was completely spontaneous. Then I just went to bed and fell asleep immediately. I slept until 9:30! It was the longest sleep I can remember having.

This morning brought on the realization that insomnia is only in my head. I can sleep if I want to. I just didn’t want to bad enough. I’m ready now. I’m ready to sleep, and to dream!! Oh how I long to dream. So that’s it. That’s insomnia. It’s not a scary thing, or an evil thing. It’s not even anything. It’s just an idle thought that grabs hold and won’t let go until you realize it’s still hanging around. It’s like that annoying piece of corn in your teeth like two weeks later. You’re like, “What the hell is this piece of corn doing in here?” so you pick it out and realize that your teeth feel so much better. I’ve finally picked my sleep teeth and I really do feel better. It’s like a weight off my dream gums. I’m going to sleep so soundly tonight….oh, I might be going to a keg party…